it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
