Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
