i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
