there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
