She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
