i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Life is so much better after having sex.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
