Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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