dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
