Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
