dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
