You smell like a Billy Joel song
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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