So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
