Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
