I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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