does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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