so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize