ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
