I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
