I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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