He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
