Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just tell him i said nine months
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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