remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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