I want to have your abortion
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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