So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
