Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
