The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
