you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
