Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
