I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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