its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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