I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i now understand why vodka
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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