..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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