College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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