Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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