he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
