im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
