Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
