do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
