Pants 0. Shit 1.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sobbing to NWA
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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