Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
