The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
