Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
