one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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