i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
