You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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