Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
