guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
