If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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