I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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