I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
