Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
