I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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