I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
