My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
