I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
A bitchslap is in order.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
