Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
