im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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