Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
