Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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