You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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