it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
