yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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