Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
