He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
