Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
