I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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