Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
