everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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